* When God had finished creating Scotland, He looked down on it with great satisfaction. Finally he called the Archangel Gabriel to have a look. "Just see," said God. "This is the best yet. Splendid mountains, beautiful scenery, brave men, fine women, nice cool weather. And I've given them beautiful music and a special drink called whisky. Try some."
           Gabriel took an appreciative sip. "Excellent," he said. "But haven't you perhaps been too kind to them? Won't they be spoiled by all these things? Should there not be some drawback?"
          "Just wait till you see the neighbours they're getting," said God.

* Sign at a Scottish golf course: 'Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling.'

*  The Winters can be extremely cold in the North of Scotland, so the owner of the big farm felt he was doing a favour when he bought earmuffs for his farm worker, Airchie.
          However, he noticed that Airchie wasn't wearing the earmuffs even though it was bitterly cold. So he asked, 'Did ye no like the earmuffs I gave ye?'   "Weel", said Airchie,  not wanting to upset his employer, " they are a    wonderful thing indeed."
                 'Then why don't you wear them then?'              
Airchie explained, "I was wearing them the first day, but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didnae hear him."

*Jock was shipwrecked and washed ashore on a tropical island. As he opened his eyes and gazed around, he saw a lovely young woman wearing only a grass skirt.
 "Are you hungry?" she murmured.
"Very," he groaned. So she reached into a little bag woven from palm fronds, and brought out a pie and chips wrapped in the previous day's Scottish News and still hot. He ate with gusto.
 "Are you thirsty?" she asked when the food had disappeared.
"Very," he cried, wondering what was to come this time. From the little bag she produced a bottle of fine old single malt whisky, and the astonished Jock took a long, contented swig.
"And now," she said, nestling against him, "how would you like to play around?"
Our Jock shot upright in disbelief. "Dinna tell me you've even got a set of golf clubs in there!" he cried.

* Angus was on a visit to New York and decided to get his hair  cut. Seeing a barber's salon, he went in.
"How much is a haircut?" he asked.
"Haircuts start at twenty dollars," he was told. Auld Angus rubbed his chin and had a wee think.
"How much is a shave?"
"A shave? Oh, a shave's ten dollars."
"Weel then" said our Angus; "just shave my heid then." 

 Now, two jokes courtesy of "Nessie" of our Scot-talk section:  *  The teacher asked her students,"What did the Scots call Scotland before the English arrived?" Wee Jimmy raised his hand and quickly replied, "Oors, Miss!"

*    A Scotsman was offered 500 pounds by an American for his dog and 100 pounds by an Englishman. Everyone who knew him was stunned to discover that he took the offer from the Englishman. He explained,"Well,he can walk back home from England but he'll never manage to swim The Atlantic."

                         (thanks Nessie; contributions always welcome)

*  Lady Marjorie, the Laird's wife, was host to some of the local worthies.  As she handed a glass of whisky to auld Jock, she told him it was of high quality, having been aged for 14 years.  "Weel yer Ladyship", said auld Jock "it's got a grand character, but - it's a bit wee for it's age!"

*    Sandy was ha'in' a wee chunter with his auld crony Angus, tellin' him a' aboot his problems o' the hairt.  " A'm fair ta'en wi' this wee lassie, but she's nae siller - an' there's this auld widdy wumman that wid hae me richt awa'; she's awfu' weel aff. What's tae dae, Angus?  The lassie's richt comely, but the widow's real wealthy. Which dae I marry? "  

    "Weel now", said Angus, efter due conseederation;  "There's nae doot haein' siller's a grand thing, but it canna make ye happy.  Ach, young Sandy, if ye want a guid life hereafter, marry the puir wee lass.    - Oh, and bye the bye,  where was it ye said the auld widow lived?"

*Wee Jimmy was wandering through a graveyard in a Glasgow cemetery, when he came to a carved tombstone declaring,
"Here lies a lawyer and an honest man"...                                                              ..."Michty me," says Jimmy tae himsel', " Ye'd never believe there wuz enough room fer twa men in that wan wee grave!"
 

* Did you hear about the Scotsman who was arrested for a smash and grab raid on a jewelers shop window?
He came back to collect his brick.

* Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. "Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"
Jock  hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"

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