We - the Scots, that is - tend in the main to have a dryish
sense of humour on the East and North, and a broader, more bawdy sense of humour on the West and South. With the usual exceptions to the rules. And we have made up a lot of jokes about our neighbours, near &
Same neighbours have, of course, returned the
One of our Friends and Members
of the Scot-talk section thinks it will be a good idea for Global Scots to swap jokes. We think it'll be
interesting to see what jokes are in circulation. So Candy has set up a Group called "The Scottish Wits" in the interactive Scot-talk section where you can post your own jokes - but they must have a scottish
connection. And with her permission, we'll add the best to this section.
So, here are a few jokes and funny tales, all with a
scottish slant - of one sort, or another. Enjoy!
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Hamish took his lass for a wee drive on his motorbike. As they were gaun by a hot dog stand she sighed, " My, thae hot dogs smell
really nice." "If ye jist haud on
a meenit",said young Hamish with great gallantry. " I'll drive a wee bittie closer so ye can smell them better".
* Sandy's in the local pub, telling a' his cronies he's to be
married. "It'll be a dressy affair, and I'll be a richt
wee brammer in ma best kilt" he tells them. "What's the tartan?" asked his auld pal
Jock. "Ach, " says the bold Sandy - "she'll just wearin' a weddin'
* Q. How do you disperse an angry Scottish mob?
A. Nae bother - just take up a collection.
* Murdo's wife Jessie had just brought his son home from the
optician, where she had provided the laddie with a new pair of spectacles. When Murdo heard
how much they had cost, he said to Jessie, "Now be sure to take Donald's glasses off when he's not
looking at anything."
* Airchie visited London for his annual holiday and stayed
at a big posh hotel. However, he didnae feel that the natives were friendly. "Every morning at 4
o'clock " he told his pal Jimmy, "they hammered on my bedroom door, on the walls, even on the
floor and ceiling. Jings, sometimes they hammered that loud I could hardly hear masel' playing' the
*Did ye hear about the Scotsman who married a girl with
her birthday on February the 29th - so he'd only have to buy her a birthday
present every four years?
and an Englishman are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. They're both driving too fast for
the conditions, and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both,
they are unhurt, though their cars are both
write- offs. In celebration of their luck, each agrees to put
aside his national dislike for the other from that moment
At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot/ trunk of
his car and fetches a 12 year old bottle of The Craitur. He hands the bottle to the
surprised Englishman, who in gratitude proclaims,'' may the Scots and the
English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Englishman then tips
the bottle and gulps half of the amber nectar down.
Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the
bottle to the Scotsman; '' no thanks" says
Jock -" I'll just wait till the Polis get here."
* Report from an Aberdeen newspaper: "Two taxis collided
last night. Three people were seriously injured. The other seventeen escaped
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